Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
