I wish my penis had an off switch
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
