My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
it's great music for shaving your balls
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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