ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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