Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
