In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
