I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
