How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
