Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize