All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
