I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
