so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
id be glad to
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
