I cannot find my penis.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
