i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I will pee on everything he values.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
