i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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