Already got asked if we're dating
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
