Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
