It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
