dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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