If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I can text with my tongue
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
