i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize