oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
