Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
