I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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