did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
