End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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