Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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