You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
