ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
