he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
