Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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