why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
