Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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