conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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