I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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