Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
