Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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