Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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