Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
