I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize