if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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