The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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