Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
