I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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