I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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