i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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