i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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