I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
