Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
