No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
