Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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