wake up i wanna do it froggy style
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize