Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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