I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
