I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
