my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
