only you would photoshop your dick
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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