Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
