My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
