Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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