When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
