he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
