Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
