i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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