Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
love makes seman taste better
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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