There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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