I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
don't judge my taste in strippers
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
