saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
